Test Your Relationship

OK, everyone wants to know how their relationship is doing, and get advice about it. While no relationship is perfect, answering the following questions can help you see if your relationship is on solid ground or quicksand.

For each statement, select the answer that most closely describes how you feel. Ready? Set! Go!

My boyfriend/girlfriend and I…

1. Have fun together

  Always True

Being able to have fun together is a key ingredient in a healthy relationship.

  Often True

It’s important to enjoy each other’s company.

  Sometimes True

Is there an important reason why you’re not having fun together? Is it a scheduling problem or do you spend time doing more serious tasks like homework?

  Seldom True

That’s not a good sign. Is something getting in the way of having fun or is there a serious problem in your relationship? You deserve to have fun. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Never True

What’s going on? That’s serious. You deserve to be happy. How can you be happy when you don’t have fun together? Talk to an adult you can trust about what’s going on in your relationship.

2. Enjoy spending time separately as well as with each other

  Always True

That’s a healthy attitude. Everyone deserves to have a life and interests outside of a relationship.

  Often True

That’s a great attitude. Support each other in having outside interests like friends and hobbies.

  Seldom True

While it’s important to enjoy spending time together, you should both support interests outside of the relationship. If this isn’t happening, it could be a red flag.

  Never True

Watch out. I’m concerned that your life is or can become out of balance. In a healthy relationship, partners support outside interests and goals.

3. Encourage each other to do well in school or work

  Always True

This is great! This is a “must have” in a relationship.

  Often True

This is good news. If not always spoken, it should be implied.

  Seldom True

What’s happening? Anyone that cares about you should want you to be successful in school or work. This is a red flag. Talk to someone about what’s happening in your relationship.

  Never True

Someone that you’re in a relationship with should want you to be successful in school or work. If not, something is seriously wrong. This is not a healthy relationship. Talk to someone about what’s happening in your relationship.

4. Trust each other

  Always True

This is great news! Trust is something that should build over time in a healthy relationship. Make sure you give it the time that it deserves. Your partner should allow you all the time that you need.

  Often True

Trust should be building over time in a relationship. Take time to make sure that you can trust before making yourself too vulnerable.

  Seldom True

I question whether or not you can have a healthy relationship if trust is not being built and maintained by both partners. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Never True

How sad. A relationship without trust can’t go anywhere but down. This is a big red flag. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

5. Are faithful to each other (if you have a commitment)

  Always True

Being faithful in a committed relationship is healthy and essential to building trust.

  Often True

You are often faithful but not always? Wow, this is a serious problem in a committed relationship. Talk so someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Seldom True

In a committed relationship, the answer should be Always. This is a serious problem. If you aren’t faithful you can’t build trust. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Never True

Why are you calling this a committed relationship if you’re not committed? This is a big red flag. If you aren’t faithful you can’t build trust. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

6. Support each other’s goals in life

  Always True

This is great news. In a healthy relationship, partners support each other’s goals.

  Often True

Supporting each other’s goals is a healthy attitude.

  Seldom True

Wait a minute. Not supporting each other’s goals is red flag in a relationship. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Never True

This is definitely unhealthy behavior for a relationship. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

7. Will not grab, push, hit or physically hurt the other in any way

  Always True

No one deserves to be grabbed, pushed, hit or physically hurt for any reason.

  Often True

In a healthy relationship, there is no grabbing, pushing, hitting or hurting. Talk to someone about what happened.

  Seldom True

This is not a healthy attitude and a big red flag. No one deserves to be grabbed, pushed, hit or physically hurt for any reason. Tell someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Never True

This is unhealthy behavior that is dangerous. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship. Don’t wait.

8. Feel safe with each other

  Always True

Great answer. You have the right to feel safe in a relationship.

  Often True

Good answer, but you should always feel safe in a relationship.

  Seldom True

This is a bad sign and a red flag for a relationship. You should feel safe. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Never True

This is definitely not healthy behavior. You have the right to feel safe. Please talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

9. Respect each other

  Always True

Great answer. Having respect for one another is a characteristic of a healthy relationship.

  Often True

Good answer. Respect is a characteristic of a healthy relationship.

  Seldom True

Respect is a characteristic of a healthy relationship. Not having respect for one another in a relationship is a BIG red flag. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Never True

You deserve to have respect in a relationship. That’s healthy. Tell someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

10. Solve conflict without putting each other down, cursing or making threats

  Always True

Great answer. It’s healthy to deal with issues in a respectful way.

  Often True

Good answer. Couples have issues. Deal with your issues in a respectful way.

  Seldom True

This is a red flag that could become dangerous. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship. Someone might be able to help you learn how to respectfully handle your issues.

  Never True

This is definitely a bad sign that could become dangerous. These habits could become hard to break. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship. Someone might be able to help you learn how to respectfully handle issues in your relationship.

11. Both accept responsibility for our actions

  Always True

Great answer. Everyone should accept responsibility for their actions despite what others do or do not do.

  Often True

Good answer. Accept responsibility for your actions without blame to others.

  Seldom True

Only you can make the decision about how you behave in a relationship. This is a red flag. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Never True

This is not a good sign. Blaming others for your actions without taking responsibility is definitely a red flag. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

12. Would not do anything to publicly embarrass or humiliate the other

  Always True

Great answer. Respecting each other in public and private is definitely a characteristic of a healthy relationship.

  Often True

Good answer, but in a healthy relationship your partner should never do anything to publicly embarrass or humiliate you. Respect is key to a healthy relationship.

  Seldom True

This is a red flag. Your partner should respect you in private and public. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Never True

This is definitely a red flag. Everyone deserves to be respected in public or private. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

13. Keep promises that we make to each other

  Always True

Great answer. Keeping promises that you make is a sign of respect and a foundation for trust in a relationship. It’s healthy.

  Often True

Good answer. Trust builds when you keep the promises you make. It’s respectful and a sign of a healthy relationship. If someone can’t keep promises, the relationship is in trouble. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Seldom True

This is definitely a red flag. How can you trust someone that can’t keep their promises? Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Never True

This is a big red flag. How can you trust someone that never keeps their promises? Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

14. Are understanding and sensitive to each other’s needs

  Always True

Great answer. In a healthy relationship, individuals should try to be sensitive and understanding to each other’s needs.

  Often True

Good answer. Being sensitive and understanding to each other’s needs is healthy. It’s no fun to be in a relationship with a selfish person.

  Seldom True

How can a relationship be happy or healthy if you aren’t sensitive to each others needs? This is a red flag. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Never True

This is definitely a red flag. Being sensitive to each others needs is a healthy characteristic. This relationship doesn’t sound healthy. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

15. Have equal decision-making power in our relationship

  Always True

Great answer. In a healthy relationship, a couple finds ways to balance decision making between two people. That’s the healthy thing to do.

  Often True

Good answer. Equal decision making is a healthy characteristic in a relationship. Otherwise, things could get out of balance.

  Seldom True

Watch out. This is a red flag. Decision-making should be equal in a healthy relationship. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Never True

This is a red flag. Everyone should have equal power in making decisions in a relationship. If not, something is out of balance. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

16. Would not be possessive or treat each other like property

  Always True

Great answer. You’re a person not a possession. Your feelings and needs should be considered and respected. That’s healthy!

  Often True

Good answer. You’re not a possession. You’re a person with feelings and needs that should be considered and respected. If not, talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Seldom True

That’s not good. This is a red flag. You’re a person, not property. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Never True

This is a big red flag. You’re not property. You’re a person with feelings and needs. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship. Don’t wait.

17. Encourage each other’s interests

  Always True

That’s great. You must know that encouraging each other’s interests creates well-rounded people and is an ingredient for a healthy relationship.

  Often True

Good move. It’s healthy when partners encourage each other’s interests. Be sensitive to each other’s needs. Give each other support to be all that you can be.

  Seldom True

This is a red flag. Encouraging each others interests’ means supporting each other to grow as individuals. That’s healthy. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Never True

In a healthy relationship, a couple should support each other to be all that you can be. This relationship doesn’t sound healthy. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

18. Have close friends and family who support our relationship

  Always True

Great answer! It’s a good sign when people that care about you also care about your relationship.

  Often True

This is a good sign. People that care about you should also care about and respect your relationship. If they don’t, something’s wrong.

  Seldom True

That’s not a good sign. People that care about you, like close friends and family, should also care about your relationship. If they don’t, there is usually an important reason. Talk to someone neutral about what’s going on with your relationship.

  Never True

This is a red flag. People that care about you should also care about your relationship. If not, pay attention. Talk to someone neutral about what’s going on with your relationship.

19. Decided not to use alcohol or drugs to solve problems

  Always True

Great answer! Why solve your problems with something that could potentially turn into a “bigger” problem? Develop healthy ways to work through relationship issues and life problems.

  Often True

Be careful. Solving your problems with alcohol or drugs could potentially set you up for an even bigger problem down the road. Develop healthy ways to solve problems or you’ll be sorry. Talk to someone about healthy ways to solve your problems.

  Seldom True

This is a big red flag. Using alcohol and drugs to solve problems will set you up for bigger problems down the road. It’s unhealthy for you and your relationship. Talk to someone who can discuss healthier solutions for you and your relationship.

  Never True

This is a big red flag. Solving problems with alcohol and drugs will only take you and your relationship downhill. Talk to someone who can discuss healthier solutions for you and your relationship. Don’t wait.

20. Control jealous feelings without accusing and blaming

  Always True

No one likes to be accused or blamed. In a healthy relationship, individuals should be able to appropriately express their thoughts and feelings without accusing and blaming. Respectfully talk things through.

  Often True

Good answer. Accusing and blaming is not a healthy way to express your thoughts and feelings. Appropriately expressing your thoughts and feelings is a healthier way to handle situations in a relationship.

  Seldom True

This is a red flag. In a healthy relationship, individuals should be able to appropriately express their thoughts and feelings without accusing and blaming. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Never True

This is a big red flag. Being able to appropriately expressing your thoughts and feelings is a characteristic of a healthy relationship. If you can’t, that’s unhealthy. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

21. Understand that we can’t depend completely on the other to meet social or emotional needs

  Always True

In a healthy relationship you should feel happy and comfortable, without the burden of someone else depending entirely on you.

  Often True

Good idea. If someone depended entirely on you to meet their emotional and social needs, it would feel like a burden. You have the right to feel happy and comfortable in a relationship.

  Seldom True

Wow, you should be careful. It can become a burden if someone depends entirely on you for their social and emotional needs. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Never True

Watch out. This is a red flag. It’s hard to be happy and comfortable if someone is depending entirely on you to meet their social and emotional needs. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

22. Are proud to be with each other

  Always True

Sure thing. That’s how it ought to be.

  Often True

This is a good sign. There’s nothing wrong with being proud of the person you’re with.

  Seldom True

That’s not a good sign. How can a relationship be healthy if you’re not proud to be with this person? Talk to someone about how you’re feeling about your relationship.

  Never True

This is a red flag. If you’re not proud to be with each other, how can your relationship be happy and healthy? Talk to someone about how you’re feeling about your relationship.

23. Allow each other “space” when we need it

  Always True

Great answer. That’s healthy behavior. Everyone deserves time, space and interests outside of a relationship to be balanced.

  Often True

Good answer. Time, space and interests outside of a relationship create “balance.” Balance is a healthy characteristic.

  Seldom True

Watch out. This could be a red flag. Your life and relationship could get out of balance. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Never True

This is a red flag and definitely not healthy behavior. Not giving each other time, space and interests outside of the relationship can make both individuals out of balance. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

24. Don’t try to control how the other thinks, feels or behaves

  Always True

Great answer. In healthy relationships, everyone has the right to be themselves. No one should control how someone else thinks, feels or behaves.

  Often True

Good answer. The ability to be “you” is a characteristic of a healthy relationship. Everyone has the right to think, feel and behave for themselves.

  Seldom True

This is not a good sign. Controlling how someone else is thinking, feeling or behaving is a red flag. Consider talking to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

  Never True

This is definitely not a healthy relationship. Everyone has the right to be themselves. Talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship.

25. Feel good about ourselves now that we’re in this relationship

  Always True

Great answer. A healthy relationship should make you feel good about yourself and the choices you make.

  Often True

Good answer. Being in a healthy relationship should make you feel good about yourself and your choices.

  Seldom True

Being in a healthy relationship should make you feel good about yourself and the choices you make. Is your relationship making you doubt yourself? That’s not healthy. Talk to someone about your relationship and how you’re feeling?

  Never True

This is a red flag. This isn’t healthy. You should feel good about yourself and the choices you are making. Talk to someone about your relationship and the way you’re feeling about yourself.